The Ceremony
by astheblackrosewilts
Summary: ‘And Rachel said, Give me children or else I die’ A Handmaid’s Tale fic. The thoughts of Offred, Serena and The Commander, before, during and after the Ceremony.
1. Before

AN This was an English assignment but I quite liked it so I thought I'd post. As the title might suggest this concentrates on the chapters regarding The Ceremony and the build-up to it.

Rating: PG-13? R maybe?

Disclaimer: Don't own The Handmaid's Tale, Hell, don't even own a copy of The Handmaid's Tale, mine is strictly a loan.

Summary: 'And Rachel said, Give me children or else I die' A Handmaid's Tale fic. The thoughts of Offred, Serena and The Commander, before, during and after the Ceremony.

**The Ceremony**

'And when Rachel say that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children or else I die.

And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel; and he said, Am I in God's stead who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.'

-Genesis, 30:1-3

**Before**

**The Commander**

What will she think of me?

I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but it's inevitable. I have to perform my best for fertilization but what will Serena think if I try too hard?

The waiting is almost over, I can't let feelings become involved. I need to be professional, although I am becoming used to the ceremony it becomes no easier.

Am I such the man I think? Why do I continue with these ceremonies when I have my own doubts about my fertility? It hasn't worked before why would it now?

I begin my walk to the room, it seems endless.

**Serena**

I feel tense. Like someone waiting to be executed. The time drags and drags.

She's enjoying this, knowing she has something over me. Knowing she can give him something I cannot. I'll make sure she doesn't enjoy it.

How can he do this to me, I'm his wife. "Give me children or else I die". I'm starting to think I'd rather die.

**Offred**

Waiting, that's always the worst part. The anticipation that comes with knowing that he'll be here soon, that it will be happening soon. But then again it will be over soon too.

It's just a couple of times a month. I can remember that when I first found out what I was going to be doing I thought it was every night or something close to it, all the better chances right? Well I was a fool. The government that was so careful with its resources would never waste them and use them so liberally. And that's all we are, resources, if invaluable ones.

The door's opening, I think it's him, of course it's him who else is it going to be?

I'm not going to look at him, I can't if I do I'll run and that will be it.

You would have thought I'd be used ot this by now, I'm not though and if something doesn't happen soon I'm not goignt o get the chance to get used to it.

Odd how that's a worse option that it becoming familiar but I think I'd take this over the colonies.

Give me children or else I shall die, I bet Rachel didn't mean it this way.

**End Before**


	2. During

AN This was an English assignment but I quite liked it so I thought I'd post. As the title might suggest this concentrates on the chapters regarding The Ceremony and the build-up to it.

**The Ceremony**

**During**

**The Commander**

I enter the room, they are waiting for me. I tend not to look at the handmaid when I enter; I just acknowledge the presence of Serena. We eventually begin.

I love Serena deeply and staring into her eyes throughout quickens the process. She is my catalyst and without her I would certainly not be able to finish it.

I feel the accustomed rush, so I know we have approached the end. I don't know whether to be content because the emptiness inside is indescribable.

I leave the room, relieved. Redoing my trousers as I go. Professionalism is underrated.

**Serena**

I hate her.

I hate her.

I hate her.

I hate her.

**Offred**

He's not looking at me, he's staring at her and, unbelievably, I can feel jealousy rearing its ugly head. This should be about me, not Serena, It should be me who has the power here. I'm the one who will have to give up my child if I'm lucky enough to conceive, I'm the one they need, she's the one who failed, they need me while she's… expendable.

I can't believe I'm thinking this, it's desperation, it must be, desperation to be held and touched like I'm a person, like they care about me, not like I'm a disgusting reminder of their failure.

Serena's fingers are digging into my hands and her rings are threatening to puncture my skin. The pain's welcome though, it reminds me I'm still alive.

**End During**


	3. After

**The Ceremony **

**After**

**The Commander**

It's over now, for another month at least but doubt consumes me. Even if it has worked, even if she is pregnant what sort of father will I be? Will Serena accept it as our baby?

What is it all for in the end?

**Serena**

Resentment, Bitterness, Envy, that's what I feel. Who can blame me?

She could be pregnant. But even if she is it wont be mine, it will never be mine. I will try to love it but I will always feel that bitterness towards it as it will always remind me of my failure. In the passage that he read it says 'And then God remembered Rachel'. So when will he remember me?

Will he ever remember me?

**Offred**

Numb, that's all I can feel. A great empty nothingness that's somehow worse than guilt, pain, self-loathing or depression, any of the emotions that would have reminded me that I'm still human, not merely the vessel they want me to be.

I could be pregnant, that thought stands alone, refusing to go away.

I've thought it before though and I'll probably think it every time until I actually am or I run out of chances.

And what if I am, what have I condemned this child to? What if it's a girl, what if it ends up like me?

What have I done?

How could I even consider bringing a baby into this world…?

**End**

AN Well, not entirely sure I did the chapter, the character and the emotions justice but I tried. Please tell me what you think


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